For Better or For Worse

I’m learning about it means to be a good husband. Yes, I am single–in both the technical “marital status” and actual sense. But as a friend had once shared with me, as a Christian I am joined together in a spiritual union with Christ. How I grow and nurture my relationship with Christ provides insight into how I will or will not grow and nurture my relationship with my future wife.

When I realized the truth of this statement, I was saddened. For no sooner had I come to see another truth: I would make a terrible husband. Over a decade ago, as a hopeful but naive teenager, when I had first committed to following Christ, I was in essence making a vow that declared my complete devotion to him–for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health–for the rest of my life. Indeed, I was proving myself to be faithful, when it was an easy vow to keep, when it was for the better, and I was in richness and in health.

But then came the trials and temptations of life, and suddenly the very cords of my relationship were being stretched and broken. Through the lusts and greed and pride of life my heart had become hardened. As the days progressed my love subsided more and more. It happens, so slow and subtle. My feelings became dull, my love grew heartless. I kept serving the church, believing it was my duty. That will keep him smiling, I thought. But he was not pleased. After all, shall a wife be flattered when she receives roses bought in obligation?

I admit there were times when I was unfaithful. I had other lovers. Times when I found other things more attractive. Money, respect, relationships. These lovers danced before me so alluringly. They whispered secret pleasures, they spoke of great thrill. For some time I had listened. I would leave in the evenings to flirt with them, coming back home worldly-drunk, not unlike the man with the smell of cheap perfume and faint lipstick on his shirts. Yet I still had the audacity to face God and say, “But out of them all, I love you the most!”

That was what I was. An unfaithful, unloving spouse. Yet in all his right and power to divorce me, God has stood by my side. He forgives, he forgets, and he chooses to love. He waits for me to come around. This is the power of a vow. Not that it is merely kept, but that in every right for him to break it he chooses not to. That is what is meant by the terms “love” and “unconditional.”

So, here I am. I’m thinking I’ve got to get this right. If I’m not good with God, the most patient and perfect lover, then I will never be the husband and father I ought to be.

Pulling Teeth with QTs

I don’t want to read the Bible. A lot of times I’m not even sure I want God. It sure doesn’t look like it, when you look at the way I spend my time and resources. I had to come to that hard realization this morning. If the Bible is like God’s love letter to me, then why do I have such a hard time opening it? It always feels a bit like pulling teeth, even though I know some of the best moments I enjoy with God are priceless.

So, this morning I just asked God to meet me in my quiet time, as I perfunctorily pulled out my hulking 5 pound leather-bound from its irreverent place on the floor.

Now I don’t normally share stuff from my journal, especially quiet time material, but I figured maybe it’ll encourage someone who struggles with the same thing. Who knows what we’ll learn and how filled our souls would be if we pulled out our Bibles once in awhile?

*****

Sept 24, 2010

John 18:1-11 – Jesus and his disciples entered over the ravine of the Kidron. Judas, knowing he was there, went to gather a group of chief officers and priests to betray him. When they approached Jesus, he asked them, “Whom do you seek?” They said, “Jesus the Nazarene.” He answered, “I told you that I am He; so if you seek Me, let these go their way.” What this shows is Jesus stepping up as a leader and shepherd. He was willing to turn himself in so that the sheep might be protected. That is how much he cares for his chosen ones. Application here? Whenever I doubt Jesus’ love for me, all I need to do is look at the cross and be reminded of all that he sacrificed for me. He gave his life for me–how would he not freely give me all things?

Peter, of course, being the brash/passionate/emotional guy that he is, drew his sword and struck the high priest’s slave and cut off his right ear. Peter was ready to scrap, he was ready to defend and die for Jesus at that moment. Which makes his denial of Christ later on all the more interesting. In one moment, he was ready to sacrifice his life for Christ; in another, he cursed and denied ever knowing the man. What gives? I don’t think there might be any more reason other than to say that Peter was just a man who was driven by emotions, instincts, and circumstances. Or maybe it’s because Jesus was yet to be turned in; he was still their triumphant leader and there was still a cause that was worth fighting for. When Jesus was on the cross, maybe he no longer wanted to identify with him–when the going got tough.

I guess in many ways I’m Peter. I’ll follow Jesus when things are good and situations are favorable, but I’m quick to turn the other way when the going gets tough. I am capable of both dying for and denying Christ–I am Peter. This reminds me of a quote from C.S. Lewis who says, “We learn…that we cannot trust ourselves even in our best moments, and, on the other, that we need not despair even in our worst, for our failures are forgiven.” I’m reminded that I can never separate myself from the cross–on it I am dependent and to it I am bound. I am in desperate need of God’s saving work in my life.

One last thought: “Jesus said to Peter, ‘Put the sword into the sheath; the cup which the Father has given Me, shall I not drink it?’ “(verse 11). That is all there needs to be said about suffering and the will of God. If God has ordained a period of hardship in my life, shall I refuse Him? God is the Maker of this universe–He is entitled to do as He pleases. Jesus knew that, and therefore gave his life, even on the cross, in perfect obedience. Complete and total surrender/submission–that’s what God wants.