My Addiction

I’ve been having a hard time getting over my addiction. I’ve been fighting this ever since I was born. Some days I just feel like I won’t ever kick this, no matter how hard I try. I just can’t shake it. Recognizing it is half the battle, right? At least that’s what I tell myself.

The fact is, I am addicted to me. I am addicted to the idea that everything on this planet and every little incident that occurs must have something to do with me. (And if it doesn’t, then it’s probably not very important.) Did you know that there are 6.7 billion people on this planet? In fact, I hear we’re about to hit 7 billion soon. Yet I don’t live as though they matter or even exist. I spend most of my days focusing on things like what movie is next on my Netflix or what I would like for dinner. I say I care, that I lend myself to good causes, but every minute 15 children are dying around the world. Some from issues correlated with poverty like disease and hunger, some things we could possibly prevent.

As of this moment, I am doing nothing to help them. Is there something wrong here or is it just ME?

ME is a monster. It’s very subtle at first, in fact, he really begins to rear his ugly head only when you’ve become aware. But when you allow this monster to grow and take hold of you he can make you think things and do things that are not very noble. Even in the good I attempt, like feeding the poor or mentoring kids, this monster wants to steal from it and make it about me. Look at how virtuous you are, he whispers, you deserve a pat on the back. But I like to hear that, don’t I? That’s the hard part in fighting this addiction. One hand is ready to slay the monster while the other hand continues to feed him.

The solution is not to stop thinking about yourself. When I try to tell myself to do that–well, that’s called irony. Rather I’ve been praying lately that God the Father would give me his heart. I’m asking for a vision or passion that is much greater than my own glory or fame or comfort. Maybe something that will allow me to die to that monster so I can truly live. I am asking for a life that would impact people around me, to give to them, to help them make a difference in this generation for now and unto eternity.

I ask this from a desperate place and I hope it is granted. For this monster is greedy–it’s never satisfied. There is no removing him, only replacing him with something better. And it has to be Christ–there’s no other way. He’s my only out.


One response to “My Addiction

  1. Yup! Our Me-Monsters are truly monsterful. But thankfully, our me-monsters don’t get in the way of our relationship with the Father, (well, they do, but they don’t), because of the death of Jesus. When the Father sees us, he sees us through the blood of Christ. So all frustrations we feel, we can confidently look at the Father, because of Jesus.

    It’s a great ground we can stand on–the rock of Jesus Christ. And live our lives confidently here on earth. For we are tied to God and free on earth to live out our vocations.

    And yes, our me-monster does live on. We do live with being both a sinner and a saint. It’s quite really confusing. (and in many many ways sucky, because of the sinner part), but just look to Jesus and what he did for us. His death is our death.

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